


My Beloved One

by jeweldancer



Series: Cas and Dean [24]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: But Dean is understanding, Castiel is nervous about sex, Child Neglect, Christmas, Demisexual Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic destiel, Family Drama, Fluff, Hand Jobs, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of death of a parent, Protective Bobby Singer, Virgin Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 18:05:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7767862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeweldancer/pseuds/jeweldancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is reminiscing about past Christmases, and feeling thankful for Castiel. Cas has other things on his mind, however. He wants to be physically closer with Dean, but he's anxious and uncertain. Dean helps him find a way to be close that Castiel can still be comfortable with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Beloved One

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first part of this series with any sexual content, although it's not very graphic. I agonized over this chapter because I don't really feel I'm good at writing such things, but it felt very true to the characters in my mind. I felt very strongly from the start of the series that this version of Cas was demisexual, and thus able to have such feelings provided he loves and trusts the other person. 
> 
> If you don't like reading stories with sexual content, I still want you to be able to read the series if you wish! Therefore, any parts with this kind of content will be clearly tagged. If, as in this story, there is some plot beforehand, I will put a line before the part with sexual content so you can stop reading if you want. Rest assured you'll still be able to follow the main story.
> 
> The mainstay of this series has always been Dean and Cas developing trust and respect for each other, and building a life with family and friends, and that's how I want it to stay! They'll just be more physical from time to time...
> 
> If you like this, please tell me! I've worried about this chapter so much that I've lost all ability to tell if it's good or not.

Dean hadn't enjoyed Christmas since his mother died. He tried, but his life was so far from the happy families on television. When they were kids, it had been up to him to make Christmas special for Sammy. They watched Rudolph and Frosty on their crappy little television, and drank instant hot chocolate. Every year, they would carefully unpack the stockings, nativity scene, and advent calendar that Dean remembered from his early childhood, back when his mother was alive. They could only decorate their bedrooms, though. John couldn't stand the sight of Christmas decorations; it had been Mary's favorite holiday. 

Dean had even checked out a cookbook from the library when he was ten so that he could learn to make Christmas cookies for Sam's class party. He was determined that his little brother would never feel the pitying stares of the other children and teachers ("That's the little Winchester boy, his mother is dead") as he had. 

Thank God for Bobby, who always came by with gifts on late Christmas Eve, long after Sam was asleep and John was passed out. If it hadn't been for Bobby, Dean would have had to resort to stealing presents for Sam. Bobby hadn't been as well off then as he was now, but he still did right by the boys. They would both receive a set of clothes, a jacket, new sneakers, one of the year's popular toys, and a few stocking stuffers. Dean knew, even as a kid, that Bobby spent hundreds of dollars on their Christmas gifts every year. It was money that had probably been hard to come by.

Dean would thank him profusely and haul the presents upstairs to Sam's bedroom, where he filled their stockings and arranged the gifts at the foot of the bed. He never had wrapping paper, but Sam didn't seem to mind. It always made Dean feel warm and hopeful inside when he saw his little brother sort excitedly through his presents. Almost as though things were okay, and would continue to be okay. Almost as if he wouldn't have to remind his brother later to hide his new toys so that John wouldn't either break them in a fit of rage or steal them to sell. 

Later in the day, Bobby would come to get them for Christmas dinner at his house. If John was around, he made it a point to invite him as well. Some years, John would merely say that he was too busy; other years he would tell Bobby to fuck off. The Christmas dinners were slightly depressing, bachelor affairs with canned ham and vegetables and storebought dinner rolls, but Dean always appreciated the effort. When the brothers were teenagers, Bobby had married Ellen, and things changed. Ellen was a good cook, and Dean had learned a lot of what he knew about cooking from helping her with holiday dinners. 

In Dean's young adult years, he pretended that Christmas wasn't a big deal. Sure, he worked his butt off to make sure that Sammy had good presents (he'd even been able to give him a laptop the year before he left for college). He never missed a Christmas dinner at Bobby and Ellen's, usually coming early to help her bake the pies. And okay, he always watched all the old Christmas movies as he sat on his sofa, with only a six-pack for company, counting the days before Sam got home from Stanford. 

Dean had always held out a small, secret hope that the domestic bliss pictured on the sappy Christmas movies actually existed, and might one day be possible for him. It was the kind of perfect Christmas that he had planned before the incident with Cas's parents. Even though Naomi had done her best to ruin it, Dean had still been determined to have a lovely Christmas. He had scaled back on the activities he had planned, knowing that it would be better for Cas to rest and be comfortable at home. 

It had ended up better than he imagined. He had gotten Cas for Christmas. There would be no more missing him late at night as he watched TV, no more worrying over him driving home from Dean's apartment. Instead of sleepy good night texts, there would be good night kisses. He'd be able to drift off every night with Cas nestled in his arms. It had been the best thing that could have happened--even better than watching Sammy fall on his ass while ice-skating the week before--and Dean would always have a soft spot for Christmas from now on. 

Now it was Christmas Eve, and they were curled up on the sofa together, watching the Christmas tree lights blink. The television was off, because extraneous noise was not needed; they had everything they wanted for the moment in each other. Sam was spending Christmas Eve with Jess's family, and they wouldn't be back until late Christmas morning. Dean laid his head on Cas's shoulder and sighed happily. His heart was full and he was at peace. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cas cleared his throat and fidgeted, a sure sign that he wanted to say something but was too nervous to begin. Dean took pity on him. "What's up, babe?" He lifted his head slightly so that he could see Cas's face. 

Cas worried with the fringe on the sofa cushion. He opened and closed his mouth a few times without saying anything. His cheeks were flushed red...was he blushing? Dean sat all the way up and reached for Cas's hand. "Hey. What is it? You know you can tell me anything..."

"I want to be with you, Dean," Cas blurted out. "I want to, but I don't know how. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid I won't do something right, and..."

It was Dean's turn to interrupt. "Cas. When I said that we should take things slow, I meant it. I want you to be completely comfortable with everything we do together. You are all I want in this world, and I'm just happy to have you here with me."

"It's just that I want to do things with you. I'd love to take you to our bedroom and do whatever it is most people do. It's the perfect opportunity tonight, we have the place to ourselves, and I promised myself that I'd try it, but..." Cas dropped his head and rubbed his temples.

Dean leaned toward him and took his hands. "But it's a lot, and you're scared, and that's not really what you even want right now. Right?"

Cas nodded furiously. "I want something, but I don't want everything. Not right now."

Dean was quiet for a moment. "Listen, Cas. I think it's gonna be a while before you're ready for...well, everything, and that's completely fine. But if you want to do something, then maybe I could touch you. That would be low stress for you, but it'd feel really good."

Cas almost gasped for breath. "Where would you touch me, Dean?"

"Wherever you'd like."

"I don't really know what I like. I don't know what to ask for."

"We'll figure it out, then. But only if you want."

"I want to, Dean. So much."

Dean took Cas's hand and led him to their bedroom. Cas didn't know whether to stand or sit on the bed, what to look at, who should make the first move. Dean solved the problem by wrapping his arms around Cas. "Shh, baby. I've got you. Don't worry about anything, okay?"

"Okay," Cas whispered shakily.

"If it's all right, I'm gonna take your clothes off. I'll go slow in case you need to stop."

Cas nodded. "Go ahead, Dean." He felt light-headed, as if the whole scene wasn't real. 

Dean's hands were gentle and practiced as he undressed Castiel. He stopped now and then to kiss Cas and murmur assurances. "You're doing so good, babe. Everything's okay."

When Cas was completely naked, he began to feel a little shaky. "Dean. I think I need to sit down."

"C'mon. I've got you. Sit right here and lean back. I'm gonna leave my jeans on, but is it okay if I take my shirt off?"

"Yes." Cas thought it would feel nice, Dean's skin against his.

Dean lifted his t-shirt over his head quickly and dropped it on the floor. He sat on the bed next to Cas. He held Cas's hands and rubbed them gently. "I think I know what to do. I've thought about the best way to start this, so you wouldn't be scared. That's the last thing I want. I never want you to be scared with me, Cas."

Cas's hands began to tremble slightly. "I'm not scared, Dean. I trust you. I'm just so nervous that I'll do something wrong."

"Babe. Put that completely out of your mind. The only thing I want you to think about is if you're comfortable with what's happening. Because if you're not, you need to tell me immediately. I won't be pissed, okay? It's always okay for you to tell me what you want or don't want."

Cas nodded. He felt as if he were floating, and Dean's voice was far away. That couldn't be. Dean was right there. Cas ran his hand through his hair and tried to concentrate. What the fuck was wrong with him?

"Cas. Talk to me."

"Go ahead, Dean. Tell me what to do."

Dean slid over until his back rested against the headboard, and spread his legs. "Okay, scoot over here and sit between my thighs."

Cas obeyed, and sat slightly hunched over in front of Dean.

"Good. Now lean back on my chest. Just lean back and relax. I'll wrap my arms around you, and we'll just sit like this for a few minutes." Dean tucked his arms under Castiel's, and his hands gripped along Cas's ribs. 

Cas felt like he was drifting back into a sea of bliss. Dean's chest was so warm, and his arms were so comforting. Dean was nuzzling his face into Cas's hair, and it felt amazing. "Mmm, Dean. That's nice."

"Yeah. Your hair's so soft, Cas. I love it." Dean occupied himself by kissing along Cas's temple. "We're just gonna sit like this, and I'm gonna let you tell me if you want to do something else. If this is good for you, then that's okay. It's good for me, too, just being close to you." 

Cas's eyes stung slightly, and his breath hitched. "Dean. You're so good to me."

"Shh. I've got you."

Dean was true to his word, not touching further down, not impatient in the least. Cas let Dean hold him just like that until his breathing calmed, and then he moved Dean's hands to his belly. 

Dean made a soft "mmm" noise, and started rubbing gentle circles around Cas's belly button, making him laugh softly.

"Didn't know you were ticklish, babe."

"Don't even think about it, Dean." Cas turned his head and blew on Dean's chest teasingly, making him flinch. "Now who's ticklish?"

"Maybe I liked it."

"Dean? This is good. I like this."

"This is how it's supposed to be, Cas."

"I didn't think it would be like this. It's...easier than I thought it would be. Lighter."

"I'm glad, sweetheart. Soft and easy. That's how I want it to be for you." Dean began kissing Cas's hair.

Cas's arms and hands were tingling, almost burning. "Touch me now, Dean. Please."

"Sure?" Dean was almost breathless.

"God, yes. Want you to." Cas could feel Dean's heart pounding against his back. Dean's hands slid lower and stroked him. Cas immediately tensed a bit, but Dean was gentle.

"Shh, baby, shh. Just relax against me, okay? You're doing so well." Dean's hands stopped moving. "Turn your head and look at me." Dean leaned in and kissed Cas tenderly. "Look at me. I love you, Cas. Are you all right?"

"Yes. All right." Talking took too much effort. Dean's hands felt so good, but Cas was having trouble letting it happen. 

"Cas. Put your hands on my thighs, okay? It helps to have something to hold onto." Dean reached over to the nightstand and retrieved a bottle. He took his other hand away from Cas, and Cas whimpered a little. "S'okay, baby. I'm putting some lube on my hands now, and then I'll touch you again." 

Dean let the lube warm slightly between his hands, and then slid them over Cas again. "Oh," Cas breathed. It was so good, and not enough. Dean was being too slow, too gentle. "More," Cas whispered, and his hips started moving, pushing into Dean's hands. 

"There you go. God, Cas, you're so beautiful like this. So good."

Cas was losing the ability to speak; only soft sounds came out. He squinched his eyes shut. The world consisted only of Dean and the way he was touching Cas.

"Sweet Cas. You sound so pretty. You're perfect, you know that? I'm gonna take care of you."

Cas could no longer entirely comprehend Dean's words, although his low voice was soothing. His body was filled with white hot electricity, and he couldn't decide if it hurt or felt good. He made a pleading noise and pressed back against Dean.

Dean's voice was in his ear, rumbling from his chest all the way through Cas. "I'm right here, sweetheart. I've got you. I won't let go." He kissed Cas's cheek softly, and Cas almost cried from the sweetness of it. "Cas. Can you let go for me? Just relax and let go."

Cas felt as though he had left the world behind, and was traveling with the stars. He wanted to say how good it felt, but the sounds leaving his mouth would not form themselves into words. Dean thought it sounded like singing, and wondered how Cas could be so graceful in yet one more thing. 

He gently rocked Cas back and forth, waiting for him to come down. In a moment, Cas breathed in deeply and gripped Dean's arm.

"There you are," Dean murmured comfortingly. "There you are."

Dean eased Cas around so that he was sitting sideways on Dean's lap. Cas laid his head on Dean's shoulder and sighed contentedly. "I'm a mess," he murmured. 

Dean laughed. "That happens." He held Cas against him. "Hey. You okay, angel?"

"I'm good, Dean. I'm great. Wait. You've taken care of me, now I should take care of you." Cas tried to sit up, but Dean pulled him back down.

"Cas. I appreciate that, but I don't think it's a good idea for tonight. I think it might be a little too much."

"I don't want to be selfish, Dean."

"Shh, now. You're never that. But I don't want to move things too fast for you. I want you to only have good feelings about this." Dean was quiet for a moment, then cleared his throat nervously. "So, umm, did you...you know, like that?"

God, that was the most adorable thing. Dean, his beautiful, capable Dean, was afraid he might not have pleased him. Cas leaned up to press his lips to Dean's cheek. "Dean. It was perfect. Next time, I'm going to try to make you feel that good. I may need some practice, though. To learn what you like."

Dean nodded, a slight smile on his lips. Devious. He leaned down and whispered to Cas. "You could watch me."

Cas couldn't remember later how it happened, his thoughts were too jumbled, but soon the rest of Dean's clothing was on the floor. Dean was lying on top of the covers, every inch of him beautiful, touching himself for Cas. He watched intently, memorizing Dean's every move, so that next time he'd be able to satisfy Dean in the way he deserved. 

When Dean finished, Cas crawled over to him and smoothed his hair with a trembling hand. "My beautiful one," Cas whispered. "My lovely one." He lay down next to Dean and gently stroked his hand over Dean's chest, back and forth. 

Dean sighed and turned his head toward Cas, leaning into him. "Love you, Cas," he mumbled.

"And I love you. You are wondrous. You never stop surprising me by how kind and good you are." Cas cupped Dean's face, raising his chin, but Dean's eyes were downcast.

"Shh, Cas. Don't be silly." Dean dodged Cas's hand and burrowed his face into Cas's chest.

"Don't do that, Dean. Do you know that this is something I never thought I'd have? I never thought I'd be able to do this. I never thought anyone would be patient enough with me. I know we have a long way to go, but you are so gentle, and so careful with me. You are the only one I could ever do this with."

Dean finally met Cas's gaze, a small smile on his lips. "I'm really glad you don't want to do this with anyone else. I'm kind of attached to you, you know."

"You...assbutt." 

Now Dean's smile was real. "All joking aside, Cas, I'm relieved that everything was okay for you. I was so nervous that it wouldn't be. I wouldn't hurt you for the world."

"I know you wouldn't, Dean. That's why I'm able to do this with you. I hope that soon I'm able to be just as good to you."

"There's no hurry for that. We'll take our time, okay?" Dean picked up Cas's hand and kissed it.

There was something he could do now, Cas mused. He sat up and pushed himself up off the bed, legs slightly shaky. "I'll be right back," he reassured Dean. Cas walked to the bathroom, a little nervous to be walking naked in front of Dean, but intent on his goal. He washed himself quickly, and ran some warm water on a clean towel. Cas walked back toward the bed, hands trembling, and looked at Dean for permission.

Dean breathed in sharply. "Cas. You don't have to do that."

"Please. I want to. If it's all right with you."

Dean nodded, and watched, eyes soft, as Cas cleaned him with the warm towel. His hands shook badly, but he was gentle. Cas deposited the towel in the bathroom hamper and left the bedroom. 

"Cas, come back to bed." Dean felt cold without him there. 

Cas returned quickly. "Shh, love." He had a bottle of water that he helped Dean drink from. 

"That's just what I needed. You're fantastic."

"I'm quite fond of you, as well." Cas took a few gulps from the water bottle and pulled the covers over himself. "Get in here with me, Dean."

Dean slithered under the blankets and they immediately nestled together. It felt unspeakably wonderful to Cas, all of his bare skin touching all of Dean's, yet feeling at home. Like he had traveled a long road simply to get to this place. Dean's hand was on his upper arm, moving slowly back and forth, in a gesture he knew Cas would be comfortable with. 

"Merry Christmas, Cas," Dean whispered, very softly.

"Merry Christmas, my love."


End file.
